RSS

Tag Archives: Tim Hortons

Day 2: The Early Bird can Suck a Bag of Dicks

5:42am.  Fucking kid.  I awoke to my shithead 2 year-old yelling for the puppy.  Then for Grandpa.  Than for Grandma.  I was able to lure him back into his bed by sacrificing my phone to his fat, sticky fingers.  Thankfully he fell back asleep after what felt like an eternity.  I drifted back to sleep myself but that didn’t last long.  This time I was awoken this time by the horrible smelling, yet loving kisses of my parents fat, dopey dog Dakota.  This big goofy chocolate lab showed more excitement at my arrival than my own stupid son.  Its now 8:00 in the morning.  I’ve been up pretty much since 5:45 because my shithead son can’t be in the same house as a dog without knowing exactly where it is at all times so I’m cranky right off the bat.  Not a good start.

Mother Nature is still being a twat-stain and its cold as fuck.  The stupid kids want to go outside because they are fucking idiots.  Just sit down and do what I tell you.  Is that so fucking difficult?  Breakfast was a clusterfuck.  5 kids under 6.  Fucking ridiculous.  Yelling and banging and practicing non-violent opposition.  Fucking christ.  All of you shut the fuck up and eat your goddamn pancakes.

We finished breakfast with no issues.  Got dressed in my room with no door.  That’s fucking awesome.  Anytime they want, one of those little shits can wander the fuck in here and mess with my shit.  Taking those little fucks outside for some fresh air.  The retards are trying to throw horseshoes but their puny fucking arms can barely swing them.  Its like the Special fucking Olympics.  45 minutes of watching these little mongoloids throw ‘shoes.  Grampa says we’re heading to town in a few minutes.  I manage to wrangle the 3 that were outside back into the cottage.  Someone starts a movie to distract them while we get ready and the kids get totally mesmerized.  So of course the other adults take this as a chance to nap themselves.  Lazy plugs.  Since everyone else was sleeping I figured what the fuck ever and took a nap as well because when in Rome, sleep every fucking chance you get because kids suck the goddamn life out of you.  Fucking parasites.

So finally we all roll our sluggy asses out of bed/off the couch and corral everybody into vehicles and made the ‘short’ 1 hour trek into the “city”.  Perth is a miserable little crap dump of a speck of a town.  We bought some groceries, and diapers for my fat, incontinent son.  A quick stop at Tim Hortons for some liquid crack and we were on our way back to the cottage.  Oh btw, it fucking rained on the drive back.  Mother Fucking Nature.

Now for the highlight of the day and so far, the highlight of the fucking trip.  Dinner.  Steak, chicken, potato skins, corn, roasted garlic on melba toast squares.  Fucking delicious!  After stuffing myself full of food , the hoarde of parasites went for ice cream.  Of course the drama queen tripped and spilled her ice cream and had a shit fit.  Guess what, psycho?  Watch where the fuck you’re walking like I’ve told you 10,000 times and this wouldn’t happen!  2 fat kids from next door ran past the window just now and Dakota lost her fucking mind.  It was like she saw dinner slowly rumble by.  Fat kids are funny to watch run.

After pretending that shooting 50 airballs in a row at a basketball net that’s 2 feet above you is a good show, we re-convened inside to wind down.  Movie for the mongoloids.  Beers and wine for the adults.  Getting ready for bed.  Probably going to be an early night tonight.  First boat ride with the hoarde tomorrow morning.  Wish me fucking luck.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 6, 2012 in Family Trauma

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,